Those needing no explanation include selfish friends, impossible standards, compulsive liars, fat free cheese, non-alcoholic beer, and christian romance novels. The last one...I mean really - no sex before they get married in the end - just pass me the smut.
Now for a few things so useless they require a bit of a rant to clarify...
Thongs - I've read these are the most comfortable underwear for any woman.....once she gets used to them. Are they kidding?!?! Well, after I get home from having to have the damned thing surgically removed from my ass-I'll evaluate its comfort rating. Honestly! If required to wear a string for underwear, I'd be more comfortable commando.
Brazilain Waxes - Yes I researched these so shut up! First, they take everything from front to back and I mean everything. I could deal with that because that's why I'm there, right? However, the technician - licensed and trained mind you - then takes tweezers to remove everything the wax missed. WTH! Hello...what is the purposed of being licensed and trained if she misses getting it all with the first level of sadistic torture and is now btw my legs plucking away with a magnifying glass and tweezers? (NOTE: Things that should never be seen through a magnifying glass to be covered on a future post.) I'm also told that you should let "growth" occur freely for 4 weeks prior to waxing to allow suffcient length for the wax to take hold. Are they f'ing kidding?!?! I am going to go through this humiliating experience to only let it grow ALL the way out, become a cave woman, so they can repeat it??? I've heard the recorded screams of a woman getting this done and all I have to say is pass me the Schick Quattro.
People who tell me to "stop and smell the roses" - I get tired of people telling me to slow down and enjoy the quiet moments. Screw that! I shouldn't have to conciously enjoy them. The quiet moments make themselves known-its quiet so nothing competes with them, right? Its is when there are 27 things screaming for your attention that you have to keep your focus. Perpetually calm people, regardless of their method (yoga, meditation, good drugs) don't have to worry about juggling things the way I do. No yoga or meditation is going to help me balance a checkbook with twice the debits as credits, accomplish 30 hrs of work in 15, or get my size X backside in a size X-2 pants. (Note: Meds might help but reference orgasm post for that decision). My point is this... No one who ever overcame the true adversity of life's stressors would casually waive them off as normal or routine afterwards. They acknowledge each one and walk carefully around them in the future - giving them the respectful distance all good fighters give worthy opponents.
Men that refuse to understand Women - These men whether encountered at home, at work, or in Hell (a.k.a. Wal-mart) are simply not to be tolerated. How hard is it to understand that I am not a man walking around minus "equipment" and plus boobs? The X marx the Spot on my map while the Y is their target, however, many men just do not get the differences between us. For example...
- I know from experience your aim is good enough to hit smaller targets with your "tool", so it is totally unacceptable that you cannot pee without getting some on rim and floor.
- Your toys are not the center of my universe so no, I will not give up my spot in the garage for your bike. And no, it doesn't matter that only REAL MEN ride a Roubaix.
- If we are in a meeting at work and you cannot stop talking to my chest, I will start talking "down" to your braintrust.
- And finally, when behind me in the check out line don't look at me with that "smirk" just because there is a smut book, lacy bikini undies, and a Schick Quattro in my basket. Those are all for the benefit of my own Y-man at home who at least makes an effort to understand me : )
Oh Deb, you need to get with Anne Rice, her early work will have whatever the Waxer missed curling, serious smut.
ReplyDeleteIn LA we have something beyond Brazilian, it's the "starfish bleach" treatment that, ahem, adult entertainment actors do to enhance what the Waxer (and their fans) sees through that magnifying glass. I cannot write it without cracking myself up, so you go look it up. If you google it it's the 5th or 6th result... You will appreciate that my friend's teenage daughter thought she could hang with us adults until we discussed this topic - she ran out of the room yelling "grooosss"
And sorry about the boob-stare, we're just wired that way. Through conditioning we sometimes momentarily can hold your gaze, but anything bigger than 34 Bs sets off the routine, and we have to fight to keep our eyes up. (Sometimes, even well-presented 32 As, say, in scalloped, lacy receptacles, will also cause us to lose control).
I wonder what it says about my mind that I'm pretty sure I don't need to google the "starfish bleach" to understand the process : ) Doesn't warm me up to the experience however. Unless you are on public display (as said adult entertainers are) or have too much money, time, and vanity for your own good, such grooming seems over the top...or under the bottom as it were...
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize for the boob stare as you are a man who understands the X/Y differential. If you are seeing the receptacle, you are meant to stare regardless of the size and anything short of true admiration causes a most serious shift in the once romantic atmosphere!
Deb
ReplyDeleteYour blog made me hold onto my hairy fairy, tight... And not in a good way!
I've got such growth down there that it looks like I have the entire Jackson Five wedged up there. Yes, yes, I realize it's inappropriate to make Mickey Jacko jokes right now... But I can't think of another group that had better Afros!
As for your list for men, I love it. You need to add:
We don't want sex with you when you're drunk. If you can't find the lock of the door with your key how the Hell... Well, you know where I'm going with this!
Really enjoying your blog Mrs woman. Thanks for the laugh!
Ness
http://naughty-nessie.blogspot.com
Debunking the malarkey
ReplyDelete1. Our aim: You don't have one but sometimes it has a mind of it's own. Sometimes there is one stream and sometimes 2, and sometimes we're a little tipsy. Anyway we're men and we don't have to explain. Plus it doesn't hurt to mark your territory. Remember, when you're a man the world is your urinal.
2. Our toys: A Roubaix is a serious machine, not a toy. If your car has to spend some time outside, that's just the way things have to be. Shall we talk about YOUR toys?? Maybe in another blog.
3. Talking to your chest. Is this from a woman who wears a low cut top showing ample cleavage and then complains?? I think thou protests too much. If you're complaining you obviously have a great rack.
4. In Line: You are mistaking a smirk for anguish. We're not smirking at your purchases, we're way jealous that there's a guy out there with a woman that will buy those things. Not that my wife wouldn't do that for me. Ok she wouldn't but one can dream.
Debunking.....is that what you were doing, Mr. Varsity? Well, let's see...
ReplyDelete1. If as a man, the world is your urnial - then it won't have a even one self-respecting woman in it as we don't pee standing up.
2. Share your garage or I might not let you play with my toys : )
3. My rack is admirable, however, so is my intellect and my right hook so a smart man would be wise to not focus on one to the total exclusion of the other two.
4. Okay, now you are playing on my sympathy which isn't fair. Also not fair, I know you and you are not guilty of any the offenses you defend here. Behave and stop making like a bad guy : )
Ness,
ReplyDeleteThe grooming practices that are common now continually surprise me. See cali's comment above....WTH...bleaching? I've almost decided that the rule should be that the grooming for adult activities should last no longer than the actual activity itself. Of course, for some out there, that would mean you would have to shave, oil, lotion, lubricate, wax, trim, and even bleach all in less than 60 seconds : )