"I don't mind turning 40. In fact, I'm looking forward to the next decade. I weigh less than I did when I was thirty. My kids are older and more independent. I am back to school and earning my degree. I just started a new job. I feel great.....younger than I have in years!"
Those were the fateful words I uttered on my 40th birthday, approximately one year and 347 days ago. It was a mistake to brag that I wasn't upset with my new "milestone." Little did I realize that instead of resting on my mantle as all good trophies of life's accomplishments do, this one - the one of my reaching the magical age of 40 - would end up around my neck dragging me down into the mire of answering the questions such as "what have I done with my life up to this point, what am I going to do with the rest of it," and perhaps hardest of all to answer - "who in the hell is that woman in my mirror?" Revisiting my "brag" above, I have to admit to being 40 lbs heavier, consistently stressed by my older and "independent" children, an online college drop out, and at a job - like many - endangered by today's economy. I look like crap and feel twice my age. It seems that I've lost the "treasures" I listed that day. In my struggle to discover their hiding place, as well as that of new rewards, I find myself encountering daily challenges and obstacles, victories and defeats. I decided, on a whim, to share my experiences and thoughts as I seek out the illusive "XmarxtheSpot" on my life's map. That spot where all the blood, sweat and tears of raising a family, working a job, and trying to stay true to yourself become worth it. Where you finally find what you've spent your life looking for. Like many, I don't know the true nature of this treasure I seek - only that I can't give up searching for it.
Throughout my posts, I will be honest - almost brutally so and at times you may want to scream TMI, TMI!!!! Sensitive souls shouldn't come along. Judgemental ones are not invited. I want honest, resourceful, smart, and "real" travel companions who can claim to have at least one vice of their own. Chocolate, expensive uncomfortable shoes, cigarettes, some form of alcohol, an erotic romance novel and/or vibrator - if your survival pack would not inlcude as least one of these, go back home. This trip's not for you! However, if like me, you need a separate bag for your shoes and think life is always better when contemplated with a drink in hand and worn out man beside you - let's get this journey started.
8.10.2009
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The past month or so I have felt exactly this way. I'm also an online college dropout so you aren't alone and I have been nodding my head, yep, yep, yep to most of your post. Trouble is I'm only 32. Doesn't bode well does it? ;) Thinking I may join your ramblings - be warned blogging is addictive. I can't claim to have the need for booze, ciggies or shoes but does chocolate and craft stash count? :)
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